Studying: Pediatrics (hanging with the kids)
How I am Becoming: Trusting God through the everyday living
How You Can Pray: Openness to allow God to be the Settler
The Details:
Each time I moved in and out of dorms, apartments or homes throughout college loving people would ask me, "Are you feeling settled yet?" I usually hemmed and hawed about it either saying, "Oh yes, the new place is great," or "Not quite but this time next week I should be," then quickly changing the subject.
But this time when I was asked, I honestly didn't know.
So the best place to start is internship day one. I thought once I got to my internship, got a schedule and started practicing, I would feel settled. I quickly learned that for students, there is not set schedule, nor any real outline of the day at first (like weeks at first). Rather, we float around between clients and therapists to find the best fit. This is a really good idea...a really good idea for someone more flexible than me.
I need structure, crave it in a way. Knowing when learning, working out, eating, spending time with friend and family and working takes place brings comfort. There's organization and control. But this was like churning that bottom of the sea endlessly, leaving the sand mid ocean depths rather than where it belongs, settled.
Tuesday, more of the same frustrations. Wednesday, I attempted what I like to call the "Everything is Awesome" mentality, which can also be known as finding positivity in anything. Thursday was the 'grit my teeth and bare it day' mixed with 'faking it till you make it.' By Friday, the all coping strategies full speed ahead was dying out.
My breaking point during this churning unsettledness came. I wanted things to become rhythmical or at least a promised that at some point they would. The chaos of churning was frustrating me, but worse than that it fostered doubt and anger, with a looming sense of entitlement that I deserved this structure and to be catered to (more on this thought later).
Friday coming home, I sat in my car with tears rolling down my cheeks trying to make sense of how this situation, this newness, could possibly settle. I did not know what to say, so I told God my feelings. Everything about this whole new situation. I mean everything.
In that moment, I heard nothing back. I finished the drive, tired and discouraged.
Last weekend, things got still. The moment or time is unknown, but my soul was asked if I trusted God more than myself. In that honest quite time, no. Control needed to be had by me. Churning needed to stop. Organization should happen. Things should settle!
"If you are mine, then aren't you settled in me?"
Oh. Doesn't that mean the chaos felt was something God could handle through me? Doesn't that mean that He was in control? Doesn't that mean that things actually are settled?
The routines, activities and stability is just control. An illusion really that I am 'settled'.
So to answer the question "Am I settled in yet", no. I am not feeling settled yet. But I am learning to trust the Settler more each day as I find myself floating in this newness of everyday living.
I need structure, crave it in a way. Knowing when learning, working out, eating, spending time with friend and family and working takes place brings comfort. There's organization and control. But this was like churning that bottom of the sea endlessly, leaving the sand mid ocean depths rather than where it belongs, settled.
Tuesday, more of the same frustrations. Wednesday, I attempted what I like to call the "Everything is Awesome" mentality, which can also be known as finding positivity in anything. Thursday was the 'grit my teeth and bare it day' mixed with 'faking it till you make it.' By Friday, the all coping strategies full speed ahead was dying out.
My breaking point during this churning unsettledness came. I wanted things to become rhythmical or at least a promised that at some point they would. The chaos of churning was frustrating me, but worse than that it fostered doubt and anger, with a looming sense of entitlement that I deserved this structure and to be catered to (more on this thought later).
Friday coming home, I sat in my car with tears rolling down my cheeks trying to make sense of how this situation, this newness, could possibly settle. I did not know what to say, so I told God my feelings. Everything about this whole new situation. I mean everything.
In that moment, I heard nothing back. I finished the drive, tired and discouraged.
Last weekend, things got still. The moment or time is unknown, but my soul was asked if I trusted God more than myself. In that honest quite time, no. Control needed to be had by me. Churning needed to stop. Organization should happen. Things should settle!
"If you are mine, then aren't you settled in me?"
Oh. Doesn't that mean the chaos felt was something God could handle through me? Doesn't that mean that He was in control? Doesn't that mean that things actually are settled?
The routines, activities and stability is just control. An illusion really that I am 'settled'.
So to answer the question "Am I settled in yet", no. I am not feeling settled yet. But I am learning to trust the Settler more each day as I find myself floating in this newness of everyday living.
