Back in the Ville

Tonight is a peppermint tea night. The one where you sit quietly on the floor surrounded by boxes and bags with books and clothes pouring out of them reminding you it's transition time again! But instead of heeding their beckoning call to mindlessly unpack to organize and re-organize, you say no. And yes to creating. Reflecting. Growing.

Today felt like a week rolled into 14 hours of awakened. Mom was great and took the time to help me move out of the apartment in Gainesville. We got in late last night, just enough time to throw suitcases in the living room and put sheets on the bed before collapsing. 

Needless to say, I woke up almost forgetting that I start a new internship today. I am still working with kids, which is the area I would LOVE to continue pursuing my OT career in after graduating. Only this time it is Gainesville and just 6 weeks. It's what's called sensory integration and aims at fine tuning sensory systems where a deficit is occurring to help clientele reach their maximum learning potential. I am pretty stoked!

So, as Mom and I were sipping on hot cups of coffee in the hazy morning, we talked about these next 6 weeks. Excitement, hopes, expectations, plans.

Budapest by George Ezra played in the background as we ate breakfast sandwiches and began to awaken to the next day ahead. This sense of peace covered me- reminding me to be present and live life daily.

Turns out God doesn't need a mountain top to talk to you-just an open heart and a coffee shop will do.

Not just friends, family

I grew up going to St. Paul's Church until we moved to Tennessee. I spent most Sunday mornings in Sunday School, summers in VBS and Wednesday nights at Kids Connection or youth group. Needless to say I was what you call a 'church rat.' If I wasn't at home or at school, I was at church.

And here is where I learned that friends can become family. You know, those friends who probably know you better than you know yourself, not because of some personality test or a cool thing you learned in college but because they have been on so many late night road-trip pitstops with you that true colors came out when you did not get the Doritos or Double Stuff Oreos two gas stations back so we HAD to stop. The friends who you talk to and it is like no time has passed at all. The ones you are incredibly proud of because they are embracing who they are and building their lives. Those kinds of friends are worth more than anything.

Hannah, Shelby and I at Mary's rehearsal dinner 3 years ago.

Those years of sleepovers, bible studies, pool parties and Gilmore Girls binge watching fests connected us. We lived through life together-dyed hair, pimples, first kisses and all!

The last time we were all together, one of use was getting married. It was crazy watching Mary take a step towards being what the world sees as grown up, when we just saw her taking the natural next step to walk life with her best friend.

Mary's Maids with Brandon 3 years ago at their wedding-probably one of my favorites!

Over the years, we have woven in and out of each other's lives. Phone calls from Josh, texts from Hannah, letters from Mary and coffee dates when our schedules collided. Each living our lives but reminding the others that we are still here if they need anything. 

One of Mary's visits to UF just to say hey

Two weeks ago this coming Wednesday, I watched a friend from this family get engaged to an amazing girl who I cannot wait to welcome into our little family. I drove home thinking how amazing life is that God allows us to connect with others in such deeply intimate and vulnerable ways and I thought of all lying ahead- a wedding, parties and celebration!

Then, a week later, we all sat in the sanctuary-the same one were we went in every Wednesday for Kid's Connection and youth. We looked up to the stage- the very one we had been on for so many musicals, solos, worship sessions, puppets, dances and prayers-to say goodbye to a father who in my opinion was taken much too soon. Mary, Hannah, Jessica and I sat, about in the same place we used to sit for the better part of our lives, swimming between tears of searing loss and laughter as memories surfaced while the magnitude of what was lost and what will be lost became real. 

Back at her house, away from the formality that pushed us to grow up, we ate taco soup and watched the house fill with faces of people who helped mold us into who we are today. We sat on the couch, laughing about beach trips, talking about current jobs and future dreams. Looking back it seems like inappropriate talk for a funeral. As if talking about living means we forgot about the loss we came together for. 

Ecclesiastes 3:4 says there is "a time to weep, and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance." 

I don't know if we handled it right, if we said the right words to comfort our family. I don't know what season this is, or if it even can be labeled. I don't know what it is the time for because within a day we felt all of it. But maybe friendship is not about saying or doing the 'right' thing or knowing what season it is. Maybe it's about showing up. For the engagements, weddings and funerals. 

 Our family back at Shelby's house, the day of her dad's memorial service. 

Present over Productive

I have this idea that one day, I'll live in a place with a beautiful bay window nook overlooking the city. And in that bay window many heartfelt conversations and coffee chats will start. There is where time will stand still, as if nothing else matters. Where living begins and all that matters is the present moment.

At our clinic, we have a room filled with books and couches. It makes a sterile place seem slightly more like home. In that room, curled up on a couch surrounded by my writings and books, I was reminded by a new friend to focus on being present in sessions rather than thinking ahead. Like a wide-eyed twenty-something year old, I agreed instantly, with the words "Be in the moment" resounding through my mind.

So, three weeks later here's the facts: First, 7 plus years of my life have been spent preparing for school and using my time to produce something that will ensure I get there. My thoughts raced for years, making a to-do list of extra-curricular, pro/con lists for graduate schools and studying obsessively. So now, I have this urge to be productive, even if being productive means folding towels at our clinic! Secondly, I like certainty mainly so I can decide whether I think I can handle what comes my way or not. So before a moment begins, I want to know if I even want to stay in it or tune out, watching in silence as it passes by like a ship. Lastly, I don't like to make quick decisions. Pro/con lists give me great peace as the logical thinking keeps the feelings that overwhelm me at bay. 

So what do these facts add up to?

Being present is hard.

It takes intentional effort to say yes to showing up, just as you are not as who you want to be or plan to become, while saying no to the things that are going to keep you from showing up. And just a heads up, there are more to say no to than yes to in order to be present. 

Today, I said yes to showing up and bringing my mind, fully engaged into the session. I said yes to bringing myself, emotions and all, hoping to connect. 

We connected. She smiles, unlike any of us have seen. She moved, like I never thought she would be able to. She shared her voice controlling each sound as if to show us all that she too was present. We shared, celebrated and grew together today. In that moment, I was present. 

So maybe that bay window nook will come one day down the road. But I am not waiting until then to be present in living my life. Even if it means being present over productive.