Present over Productive

I have this idea that one day, I'll live in a place with a beautiful bay window nook overlooking the city. And in that bay window many heartfelt conversations and coffee chats will start. There is where time will stand still, as if nothing else matters. Where living begins and all that matters is the present moment.

At our clinic, we have a room filled with books and couches. It makes a sterile place seem slightly more like home. In that room, curled up on a couch surrounded by my writings and books, I was reminded by a new friend to focus on being present in sessions rather than thinking ahead. Like a wide-eyed twenty-something year old, I agreed instantly, with the words "Be in the moment" resounding through my mind.

So, three weeks later here's the facts: First, 7 plus years of my life have been spent preparing for school and using my time to produce something that will ensure I get there. My thoughts raced for years, making a to-do list of extra-curricular, pro/con lists for graduate schools and studying obsessively. So now, I have this urge to be productive, even if being productive means folding towels at our clinic! Secondly, I like certainty mainly so I can decide whether I think I can handle what comes my way or not. So before a moment begins, I want to know if I even want to stay in it or tune out, watching in silence as it passes by like a ship. Lastly, I don't like to make quick decisions. Pro/con lists give me great peace as the logical thinking keeps the feelings that overwhelm me at bay. 

So what do these facts add up to?

Being present is hard.

It takes intentional effort to say yes to showing up, just as you are not as who you want to be or plan to become, while saying no to the things that are going to keep you from showing up. And just a heads up, there are more to say no to than yes to in order to be present. 

Today, I said yes to showing up and bringing my mind, fully engaged into the session. I said yes to bringing myself, emotions and all, hoping to connect. 

We connected. She smiles, unlike any of us have seen. She moved, like I never thought she would be able to. She shared her voice controlling each sound as if to show us all that she too was present. We shared, celebrated and grew together today. In that moment, I was present. 

So maybe that bay window nook will come one day down the road. But I am not waiting until then to be present in living my life. Even if it means being present over productive.